Apparently, a divorce is the thing to get these days. Everyone’s getting it, so why not us? And, it’s so easy to get that there’s no minimum requirement: you could be married 6 months, 6 years, 6 minutes, doesn’t matter. In the past 2 years I have heard of around 10 weddings of close friends and family. And I have heard of 5 divorces or so. That’s 50%. As in, get 2 weddings and guarantee 1 divorce free. I mean,
seriously? Were ALL those weddings rushed into and inappropriate? Were all those couples of unequal ‘prospects’ and just didn’t get along? And what about
the kids? Where do they go? It’s a joke.
Everyone talks
about marriage being so much responsibility and that people have to work extra
hard and not raise their expectations too much. And yet, people insist on doing
whatever it takes to get married, men AND women. To be honest, when I think of
marriage I think of the tiyab and henna, the ‘social status’, and of course I think
of finally having children (if I’m lucky enough not to have some hidden illness
causing recurrent miscarriages or ectopics like MANY people I know) to dress up
and hug and say YA WALAD HASA BAJEEB ALMOFRAKA to. However, common sense says
marriage is about so much more than that. It’s about morning breath and taking
out the garbage. It’s about bills and social events you don’t want to go to and
people showing up uninvited for lunch when you’re fridge is so empty you could
park a car in it. It’s about not being able to travel to that conference in
Singapore because what’s-his-name can’t come along because he has to work and
you leaving him alone for a week is impossible. Or because the kids have no one
to watch them while you’re gone. Whatever the reason, it’s an uncomfortable
situation to be in for all sides. However, since people have been insane enough
to get themselves into this situation in the first place, then why oh why don’t
you stick to that decision and work it out?! I cannot understand what could be
so impossible to work out that you didn’t know from the beginning? That’s the
key word: KNOW about from the beginning. You didn’t know he drinks? You didn’t know
she dresses the way she does? You didn’t know his family looks down on yours? You
didn’t know she doesn’t want children? People of experience will tell you that
will never know what you ended up with until you both live under the same ceiling.
That is totally true. But actually, you don’t have to make it to that ceiling sometimes,
because God gave us a golden time period called an ENGAGEMENT where people ‘get
to know each other’ within limits. Yes, people, engagements were not invented
by the West, Islam had it all along. Therefore, rushing into a 3agid because
its ‘right’ and so that ‘alnas takhod ra7ata’ is NOT the way to go with this,
ESPECIALLY if the day of the 3agid is actually the first day that 3arees has
actually stepped foot into the house!
Anyway, being
the ultimate byrex I of course have no experience to say much about the topic
of divorce. I would just like to say that people should think very carefully
before getting married in the first place, and to ASK for crying out loud about
this person you are going to be with for the rest of your life, and ask about
their family, because actually when people tell you that this person is dishonest
and disrespectful to his/her co-workers or neighbours, chances are 100% that
he/she will be the same to you. And when people tell you that this family is
known for maltreating their women and walking all over them, it’s you who’s
going to be in that situation! And please oh please, stop talking about how
people change after marriage, because they DON’T. People don’t stop drinking or
lying after marriage, and their bad taste in clothes doesn’t change much either,
so if that thing that’s nagging at you now is bothering you, don’t count on the
fact that it will disappear later. That’s just stupid.
Having talked about ‘responsibility’ and sticking to ones decisions, one must admit that there are some issues that are unforgiveable and that most of the time are really undetectable before marriage, e.g. verbal and physical abuse. I have to give it to one divorcee who stood her ground for almost 10 years before finally giving up and walking out on an abusive husband and family. I wouldn’t have lasted for one minute. I would’ve given that slap right back to him, packed my bags and gotten OUT of there and never looked back. Ta’6rabni ana? Yi’6rabak inshallah 3izra2el gol ameen.
seriously? Were ALL those weddings rushed into and inappropriate? Were all those couples of unequal ‘prospects’ and just didn’t get along? And what about
the kids? Where do they go? It’s a joke.
Everyone talks
about marriage being so much responsibility and that people have to work extra
hard and not raise their expectations too much. And yet, people insist on doing
whatever it takes to get married, men AND women. To be honest, when I think of
marriage I think of the tiyab and henna, the ‘social status’, and of course I think
of finally having children (if I’m lucky enough not to have some hidden illness
causing recurrent miscarriages or ectopics like MANY people I know) to dress up
and hug and say YA WALAD HASA BAJEEB ALMOFRAKA to. However, common sense says
marriage is about so much more than that. It’s about morning breath and taking
out the garbage. It’s about bills and social events you don’t want to go to and
people showing up uninvited for lunch when you’re fridge is so empty you could
park a car in it. It’s about not being able to travel to that conference in
Singapore because what’s-his-name can’t come along because he has to work and
you leaving him alone for a week is impossible. Or because the kids have no one
to watch them while you’re gone. Whatever the reason, it’s an uncomfortable
situation to be in for all sides. However, since people have been insane enough
to get themselves into this situation in the first place, then why oh why don’t
you stick to that decision and work it out?! I cannot understand what could be
so impossible to work out that you didn’t know from the beginning? That’s the
key word: KNOW about from the beginning. You didn’t know he drinks? You didn’t know
she dresses the way she does? You didn’t know his family looks down on yours? You
didn’t know she doesn’t want children? People of experience will tell you that
will never know what you ended up with until you both live under the same ceiling.
That is totally true. But actually, you don’t have to make it to that ceiling sometimes,
because God gave us a golden time period called an ENGAGEMENT where people ‘get
to know each other’ within limits. Yes, people, engagements were not invented
by the West, Islam had it all along. Therefore, rushing into a 3agid because
its ‘right’ and so that ‘alnas takhod ra7ata’ is NOT the way to go with this,
ESPECIALLY if the day of the 3agid is actually the first day that 3arees has
actually stepped foot into the house!
Anyway, being
the ultimate byrex I of course have no experience to say much about the topic
of divorce. I would just like to say that people should think very carefully
before getting married in the first place, and to ASK for crying out loud about
this person you are going to be with for the rest of your life, and ask about
their family, because actually when people tell you that this person is dishonest
and disrespectful to his/her co-workers or neighbours, chances are 100% that
he/she will be the same to you. And when people tell you that this family is
known for maltreating their women and walking all over them, it’s you who’s
going to be in that situation! And please oh please, stop talking about how
people change after marriage, because they DON’T. People don’t stop drinking or
lying after marriage, and their bad taste in clothes doesn’t change much either,
so if that thing that’s nagging at you now is bothering you, don’t count on the
fact that it will disappear later. That’s just stupid.
Having talked about ‘responsibility’ and sticking to ones decisions, one must admit that there are some issues that are unforgiveable and that most of the time are really undetectable before marriage, e.g. verbal and physical abuse. I have to give it to one divorcee who stood her ground for almost 10 years before finally giving up and walking out on an abusive husband and family. I wouldn’t have lasted for one minute. I would’ve given that slap right back to him, packed my bags and gotten OUT of there and never looked back. Ta’6rabni ana? Yi’6rabak inshallah 3izra2el gol ameen.
*The koosha is the couch on the stage where the bride and groom sit on their wedding day. They can be quite expensive. Incidentally, koosha also refers to large piles of garbage. Interesting, eh?
Reem I recommend this book:
The 10 Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married (And How to Have Them) [Hardcover]
Dr Guy Grenier
Dear Reem,
I cannot claim to be the divorce expert, but I may be able to say a thing or two about marriage. I have been married for four years now. I am not saying that I understand my wife but I am definitely beginning to understand myself and that is in my opinion the start to a successful relationship. I wish you all the best and may you unbyrex soon inshllah.
So, I have a few words on the topic, you could look into. "What No One Told Me About Marriage". And I held back! Good luck, though.
Hi Tagreed, I read your post a while ago (and shared it one Facebook). One of my favourite points was about your husband thinking about you all day- but not in a good way! Makes sense I guess.
Osman Musa: 4 years and you still don't understand your wife? Well that's not encouraging at all. But you do, at least, get along well since you made it this far 🙂 Rabana yikhalekom le ba3d inshallah.
I think in general the first 2 years of marriage are the rockiest, with people getting to know their boundaries and to realise exactly what kind of mess they've gotten themselves into. However from then on I really feel that the strength of commitment is what takes things forward and keeps them going. And the most important thing is that this should be mutual.
you are so funny ^^ 😀 ,,,i'm following you .
This comment has been removed by the author.
oooooof !! I blame movies pretty woman and the likes !!!
Sorry guys, I've been married way longer than all of you (by the sound of it, 17 years) and practically feel like a geriatric saying this. 1) The engagement period is actually one where the would-be betrothed lie to each other non-stop. So it's not a good idea to judge someone's suitability during the khotooba, as they are most probably lying like hell. 2) The worst and absolutely most difficult test is year #1. If you pass that, then it is possible that you last longer, but not guaranteed. The successive years grow progressively less difficult as you both become less interested in what the other is doing, saying, wearing, watching on tv, bla bla bla. 3) Kids don't save marriages, so if your relationship sucks, then having a baby is sure to send you off the deep end. 4) Divorce isn't the end of the world (unless you're a the woman's parents, in which case, you'll be flipping out). It is far better to be divorced and civilized about it, than living in hell.
reem i love your posts mashallah.. i just stumbled upon your page today and didn't stop reading!! u really got me thinking about many things.. i'm engaged and soon to be married inshalla.. i'm positive that the man i'm marrying is the one for me al7amdulilah.. but just the fact that marriage is completely life changing worries me sometimes..because at the end of the day we're two different people from different families and backgrounds.. therefore, a different way of living and dealing with situations.. i guess it's normal to be worried at first wa inshallah rabana yisahel everything.. my fiance is great mashallah but the question is.. is he going to continue being the same person he is right now when we're married?!! i'll just have to wait and see hehe.. well.. thanks for your posts.. and i hope u have a good day 🙂